First off, ditch the misogynistic crowd like the plague (Iâm sure you already know this!). Secondly, every pre-existing friendship group feels out of reach until you become part of it. People naturally will gravitate towards people theyâve known longer and are close with. The only way to become more part of a group is to be with them more. This is true of any friendship or friendship group. The more you show up to it, the more it becomes a solid friendship. When you find a person or a group you get on with, keep meeting up with them. Donât be embarrassed to ask, everyone was new once! And sometimes you donât even have to ask, if thereâs a specific event they always attend, become a regular, just hang out! Friendship doesnât just happen like we often think it does, it requires being in the same places, and putting in the same effort repeatedly. friendship seemed easier at school, but thatâs because you were in the same place with the same people everyday. Obviously keep an eye out for people or groups who are clearly just not wanting to reciprocate that energy and look for people who are open to it! I struggle with this too, especially as someone who canât get out all the time, but my most recent example is my friend Ant runs a little acoustic night every wednesday, so Iâm starting to go every Wednesday to talk to him behind the bar, and to be around our mutual friends who arent necessarily my friends yet but become more so everything Iâm there. royallmonarch has a great rec about community when trying to make a city a home that Iâll try to share in the comments cause it wont seem to let me do it here!
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Join groups. Not paid classes. I think people often show up to paid classes with a friend or two, and are just generally more focussed on themselves and their little project considering they literally gave up money to be there.
Instead: Find something like a community garden, a co-op supermarket, a mutual-aid volunteer group, an arts collective, the board of a local hospital or community center etc. People show up at these things alone...and if they show up with a friend, it is unlikely they BOTH will like it and have the time and desire to keep showing up. If you like it, and show up 2 or 3 times, you will get to know the other people who keep showing up! I feel like I am describing this poorly, but I have made meaningful connections with people in these settings and never from a bar or an event meant to meet people. Also, maybe we are different, but I am more interested in someone who takes time to put themself in this setting than someone who is at a bar at 2am. Quirky people are cool.
Other thoughts:
- Agree that consistency is key. I've read before that connection comes from being spontaneously in the same place at the same time over and over (not from planning rigid hangouts and putting them on your calendar a month out). I guess this manifests by becoming a regular at a cafe or a library branch or a park or joining a group like the ones above. Keep your eyes up and talk to the people who also show up over and over. (It's mot easy, I need to start doing this, I have many people I see over and over and chicken out about talking to.)
- I sometimes target people I want to get to know....lol. Did they mention in passing they want to try X meal at Y restaurant? (Regardless of how you started talking). Great I'm gonna text them in 2 days from now and invite them to that plan. From putting in 0 effort to making friends in college, and paying for it, I now realize you need to be aggressive sometimes about asking people to plans, and those who are open and available and sociable will say yes, and maybe they'll ask you to hang next time!
- The root of this is just talking to 923789 people and figuring out who is awake alert and attentive, so you have to find someone who isn't obsessed with their status quo, and who is willing to sit down at lunch with a stranger and shoot the shit. Circling back, I have found these people via community groups.
I was really excited to think about this ask because I think people take close connections of all types for granted sometimes. Hope I said something worth anything.
Mar 16, 2024
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It gets harder to meet new people as you get older, especially if you arenât in a super social work environment. The dating apps can sometimes hit but the amount of effort it takes can be exhausting, so Iâd say have it as just one part of a collection of things youâre doing to make connections.
Finding a community of people who are also into the same creative endeavor has always gotten consistent results for me. I saw youâre into making zines, so participating in a zine fair could be fun. You could also check out the 8-Ball Community which has a publishing initiative â I think theyâre pretty welcoming if youâre looking to volunteer / get involved.
But yeah, showing up semi-regularly to the same places and becoming familiar is a key. I moved to Portland Oregon for a year back in 2009 and didnât know a single person which was super hard. I ended up just hanging out at this parking lot with a bunch of food trucks and got to talking with some of the other kids that hung out and worked there. Eventually I got invited out to some of their parties and by the end of the year was part of their crew. Took a while tho!
Also, it tends to start with just one friend. And if that person accepts you, then everyone else theyâre friends with will too. And then you can hang with the other people and keep branching out. Itâs a practice, one that develops over a lifetime.
Mar 18, 2024
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idk if any of this will be remotely helpful, but this is generally how i see socializing
to find friends:
1. do something consistently
2. do something where other people are also (generally) by themselves
3. do something that requires discussion
exercise classes, coffee shops, open studios, libraries, organizing/protesting/charity work; really to acquire friends you just have to do things that's it. do things you like so you are around people who share similar interests and thus will have a higher "friend hit rate" but really the most essential point on the list is the first one (the other two are nice bonus'). with enough consistency you become noticed and then boom.
on becoming friends:
1. open invites
2. follow ups
now that you've just met some people, get them into your circle by open inviting them to things. if you're going out later that night, offer for them to join. if you're both in a pottery class maybe offer an open invite to a gallery you're visiting. this is how you shift casual acquaintances to actual friends. the important thing is to concretize your plans tho. you're not trying to pressure them but you do want to make them feel like it was more than just a vapid offer, so after you suggest it wait a bit and follow up with details. this also goes for the reverse of being given an open invite.
on being friends:
1. do
the best piece of advice (which might have come from pi.fyi) is that sometimes you just need to be the doer. maybe you see a tiktok about a picnic with friends and you think dang wouldn't it would be cool if my friends did that. well, there's nothing stopping you, you have to be the friend that does stuff. obviously this is a little time consuming and exhausting but generally people want to pay it forward so once you get the ball rolling on the friend group doing stuff, people usually follow suit
also fear is the mind killer, go forth and be
Jan 27, 2025
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I used to be envious of people who had âMySpace friendsâ or âtumblr friendsâ. Now I have PI.FYI friends. Thank you capyboppy for your lovely letter and this illustration of a capybara and a mouse with fruit on our heads, it made me weirdly emotional â€ïž
Jun 11, 2024
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is gig etiquette dead? Donât go to a gig if you wanna just talk to your mates! go to a pub itâs what theyâre for!
Dec 8, 2024
IT'S OUT MY RECORD IS OUT I LITERALLY AM CRYING. The culmination of 4 plus years of work. I'm...gonna go to bed now!
May 3, 2024