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these past few days, I have dragged my tired carcass into the sun and plopped myself into the nearest body of water. Iām lucky ā I live near to a lot of accessible points of natural release, both in sand and in seaweed paper.
in recognition of my privilege, let me also acknowledge my humble suffering. i have lived in tiring grey coals of concrete and felt the abyss of constant chatter and gritty grey tear away at my flesh. i never said it would be easy, moving outside of what you know, but its always worth it. i am sooo depressed from November - Febā¦ why not do all the things Iāve wanted to do, in whatever capacity I can?
July 11/24
Jul 12, 2024
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Iāve been having a hard time lately and I really wanted to abandon the day but instead Iām saying hello to the bus driver with pink puffy eyes Iām letting tears fall freely onto the park bench Iām staring despondently out the sandwich shop windowĀ
Itās not about romanticizing your sadness. Itās actually not about you at all. Itās about the unusually colored pigeon and the dad and son throwing a football while they walk down the street and hearing Chaka Khanās My Love is Alive blaring from a modded 2003 Honda civic that will, even if itās just briefly, pull you out of the cave.
Allow your feelings to interact with the world. Find reminders of what life was, is, and can be beyond and within these feelings.Ā
Go for a walk, enjoy the taste of your salty tears, and when youāre ready, lay down in the grass until youāre itchy enough to remember there are sensations other than this dull ache. Then buy yourself an impracticality large bottle of water. Maybe go see a movie by yourself.Ā
May 4, 2024
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When youāre in a slump, youāre in a slump.
Let yourself feel things. The good and the bad. I welcome them like a visitor and I invite them at the pretend dinner table in my head and get to know them, and I try not to ask them why theyāre here. Why I feel things. I just let them be. Know that this will pass, just like a person visiting for a few nights and I try not to hold on to them when theyāre ready to leave (yes those feelings will pass). Sounds very clichĆ© but they do.
From my experience, the longer I fight the sadness/depression/slump, the longer it stays. Iāve learned just to take it day by day. This wouldnāt be possible without months of therapy where it was revealed to me that Iāve been so hard on myself almost my entire life.
I also meditate every night for 15-20 minutes. I take this activity so seriously, just a few minutes to close my eyes and release the tension Iāve felt the whole day. I love staying still. I love to close my eyes and think of nothing. My drive will come back.
What also helps (for me) is taking a few minutes a day to go outside and letting the sun touch my skin. It feels so good. Listen to the birds. Listen to the traffic. Just observe your surroundings and remember that there is life outside you and you are a part of something big and eventually you get inspired by something. May it be small or big. It will come back to you.
Be gentle and kind to yourself <3
Apr 25, 2024
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I truly believe the only way to appreciate the times that life feels good is to have some designated wallowing time a couple times a month. What I mean by this is just letting yourself feel like a piece of shit and getting through it all anyways. Right now I feel like garbage but my routine continues - I just do it WHILE feeling my feelings. Repression and avoidance is as stupid as holding ur hand in front of your face to shield from a rainstorm. Let all flow like water baby āļøš§
Apr 2, 2024
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I got my nails done and I realized the star on the index finger makes the nails PI themed. Semi unconscious yet a soft-smile realization while the nail tech was painting the star on.
Dec 18, 2024
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I was celibi-cied for like 3 years after my situationship became an āomfg-you-are-a-serial-cheater-on-your-girlfriend-of-four-years!ā Hella afraid of love, intimacy and everything.
over the past few months, Iāve been casual dating for no other means than finding out what I like and donāt like. Iāve had good and bad sex, been given flowers on the first date and then ghosted, moved to the UK and had my first proper one night stand (every other one was too drunken to remember lol) and am currently on my first bae-cation with a man I am slowly falling in love with.
I promise you, dating for fun rather than for long-term involvement is so much more enriching than you think. As youāre floating around, you learn to decenter men and tolerate their mansplaining a lot less. You find out that no, you do not want to make a sex tape on the first date, and then youāll slowly trickle in the good stuff. Kind men who just listen to you, and are a little different than the other men youāve seen. Youāll learn to love being treated kindly, and cherish that above all else story-watching-liking-no game bs.
Itās sounds sooo irritating to say shit like phhh donāt look for it, itāll come for you!! But girl as annoying as it isā¦ that is the truth of the matter. I donāt know if this guy is my finish
line, but I did just orgasm like 8 times šš¾ I met on hinge, and lowkey ghosted him intially. give the guy in your dms a chance for real ā¦.
Wishing you and your future lover all the bestā¦.
p.s copying the other user by attaching a relevant song š
Nov 10, 2024
I love British Columbia cos Iām from here. So surreal and beautiful and peaceful.
WEST COAST BEST COAST RAHHHHHH
The pic is from a bat walk I went on yesterday. this shit is literally my backyard #crazyassprivelage
Jul 25, 2024