This was such a mindfuck to me when I first heard it from a good friend (a decade older than me so she always knows what’s up), because I had it drilled into me for so long that relationships took WORK and the strongest relationships were always the ones that worked through a lot of differences/difficulties/etc.
But relationships are also supposed to be fun and joyous!!! And while just dating, it should feel easy for a good LONG while because yes of course some things will get hard eventually as life happens—but if dating them was easy, staying in a more serious committed relationship with them (if that’s your goal) will be much more attainable than it would have been with someone who was hard to date before things became more serious.
(i know this probably sounds so obvious and i was just a 19-year-old dumbass but this is the advice i always give people and so far every person i’ve told it to has broken up with a difficult person and found someone who feels safe and easy—including me 14 years ago 😅)
Aug 5, 2024
Related Recs
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This time 4 years ago, I was reeling from the most embarrassingly heinous situationship that’s ever befallen anyone I know (lol this guy is perhaps a story for another time). Now I’m 2 years into living with the love of my life, thinking that I was too broken to ever get close to a human being again
Some of the (many) things that worked for me:
- Taking an extended period away from dating, far longer than I had thought. In a fucked up way, I think Covid saved my life since I functionally had no way to get back out there for 6+ months (I’m not counting those weird FaceTime dates). Even if you think you’re ready, it’s possible you could still benefit from time outside the cesspool just working on yourself and investing in friendships/hobbies/your career/learning new stuff/whatever.
- On a related note, therapy was very needed!
- Start a new, group hobby where you’ll see the same people each week. Not that you’ll forcibly end up dating someone you meet there, but an expanded circle often brings good into your life and it’s exciting to have something new in your life that isn’t tied to success on a dating app.
- Not to be that person since I always hated when people said this to me when I was single, but it always happens when you least expect it. All of the above contributes to a new you who isn’t yearning for it above all else. People are drawn to others who seem to be thriving without them and I promise you you’ll attract much higher quality people when you project this attitude (my own prospects were night and day since I was content in my own life and saw someone as additive not just looking for love/acceptance/contact from whoever could provide it).
Those are the things that came to me initially, but will keep noodling. Rooting for you ❤️
Apr 1, 2024
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i don’t know you so take this with a grain of salt if it doesn’t apply to you. i’ve also never had a long-term romantic relationship so maybe i’m not the best person to listen to anyway. BUT i do have a beautiful community of long-lasting friendships which i believe has given me the skills to be successful in a future romantic partnership
i guess my point is it might be helpful to focus on developing friendships and community first. who knows, a date might come out of it too! but i’ve gone on dates with people who don’t have many friends before and it’s turned out to be a red flag cuz they haven't had experience with relationships in general
also, i've noticed the times i've most wanted to be in a relationship are times when i haven’t connected with my friends in awhile. desire for romance can be a signal for general human connection sometimes. so having a good community might fulfill some of the needs you’re feeling too. but i know it’s a different thing than being head over heels for someone… all depends on what we’re looking for i guess
all the advice on this thread is great for both dating and making friends though! i hope you find lots of meaningful connections of all kinds in the process ✨
Mar 16, 2024
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first and foremost, you definitely shouldn’t stop talking about it, if that’s what you want to do. if something is on your mind and you want to express it, i feel like the harmful thing to do would be to bottle it up! just keep talking about it as much as you feel you need to and i can guarantee you that, over time, it’ll plague you less and less. eventually it’ll just become another aspect of your life you‘ve successfully grown and learned from!
my advice re: getting back out there is to simply take it slow. be observant for any red flags that you think could be indicative of a larger issue. also, make your core values clear from day 1! if someone really wants to be in your life, they’ll make it clear that they hold similar values :)
also, be sure to set your boundaries. be honest about your past and let them know that you’re still healing from it. any genuinely empathetic human being will internalize what you shared with them and be understanding!
overall, i’d urge you to remember that most people are not like your ex; most people want to cultivate healthy and loving relationships! i can’t imagine what you’ve had to endure - but thankfully you get to go out there and meet the person who deserves your love !! it’s super exciting !! woo!!!!
best of luck ☺️
Apr 1, 2024
Top Recs from @thickrimmedgirl
bc it’s what I originally wanted when I first went to college at 17 but I was scared to make writing my job and got a B.S. in Nutrition instead lol
Now the goal is an eventual PhD in Victorian Literature but I’m just happy to have made it through this part at 32!
Stacked is everything I read in my English courses—barely pictured are the 5 stuffed accordion folders of other reading materials under my chair haha
May 16, 2024
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the only place i win the social interaction
Aug 21, 2024
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conflusional. delonfident, even
Oct 1, 2024