this might be weird, because it seems everyone on this app is incredibly well adjusted, if not just a little odd. i am coming off (i hope) of an almost three week depressive episode, during which i have not run (longest period in two years), watched excessive amounts of (shitty) netflix, and eaten so poorly that i no longer crave vegetables or fruits (this is the most disappointing and surprising). every single thought that i’ve had during this time has been about how it is entirely impossible for me to get out of bed, and that i will never be myself again. i’ve gained an impressive amount of weight, so much so that i hope to god i’m just being overly critical of myself. my skin has dried out, my floors are dusty, and i have more laundry to do than i feel is humanly possible. these past few weeks, my brain has been a miserable place to be.
but today, i got up. i went to learn how to make couscous at a friend’s house, watched as she manned the burners with cartoonish dexterity. hot water rippled into pots, spices flashed in the air, fresh vegetables perfumed the kitchen. we cooked, ate, and hung out with her family until i had to go home and clean for a friend coming in from out of town. it was lovely and cloudy on the walk home. i always miss the sky when i bedrot, and try to at least make it to my roof for sunset and stick my head out the window for sunrise. when i got home, i sat for a little while holding my cat before working. does anyone else do this to try and regulate their mood? i then washed dishes, fixed my broken washing machine, and scrubbed floors until the friend arrived. it’s nice to have a clean house. everyone knows it, so how is it so bloody hard to keep up?
tonight, i went for a walk. i wanted to run, but didn’t intend or expect to get far. i put on a quick one before the eternal worm devours connecticut on repeat. starting slow, feeling the cold. frosty air fogged my glasses. after half a mile, endorphines began to flood my mind. things seemed possible. i could keep running, and, by extension, i could get myself out of this bedrotting cycle. i just kept running, slowly. a mile. keep going. slowly. i usually turn around at 1.5 to make a rough 5k, but i hit 1.75 and wanted to keep on. it was 2 before i decided to turn around. don’t stop. keep going. feel the cold. feel the sweat in your hands, think about the fog that has settled over the town and it’s ugly white lights. i just kept going, trying to push myself to each next landmark. i ended up doing four miles without stopping, something not unheard of, but certainly an achievement for me.
i understand that this might seem stupid and indulgent. but i just want it to be here. i need to mark it down, write it out, prove that i can get better. i can pull myself out of these doldrums. and anyone can. it’s trite and its true. dishes, laundry, and taxes never end, but we do them because we have to. because it’s pleasant to have clean hair and sunlight on your skin. brushed teeth and charged batteries. these responsibilities also help make us feel good. i know this period of inactivity and neglect is not going to be easy to move past, but i will. because i want to feel good. so, even though it seems stupid sometimes, i am going to go on a run tomorrow. i will wash my face and eat some protein. one day at a time, i will get better. my dms are open for anyone struggling or anyone who just wants to talk ❤️🔥