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this might be weird, because it seems everyone on this app is incredibly well adjusted, if not just a little odd. i am coming off (i hope) of an almost three week depressive episode, during which i have not run (longest period in two years), watched excessive amounts of (shitty) netflix, and eaten so poorly that i no longer crave vegetables or fruits (this is the most disappointing and surprising). every single thought that i’ve had during this time has been about how it is entirely impossible for me to get out of bed, and that i will never be myself again. i’ve gained an impressive amount of weight, so much so that i hope to god i’m just being overly critical of myself. my skin has dried out, my floors are dusty, and i have more laundry to do than i feel is humanly possible. these past few weeks, my brain has been a miserable place to be.
but today, i got up. i went to learn how to make couscous at a friend’s house, watched as she manned the burners with cartoonish dexterity. hot water rippled into pots, spices flashed in the air, fresh vegetables perfumed the kitchen. we cooked, ate, and hung out with her family until i had to go home and clean for a friend coming in from out of town. it was lovely and cloudy on the walk home. i always miss the sky when i bedrot, and try to at least make it to my roof for sunset and stick my head out the window for sunrise. when i got home, i sat for a little while holding my cat before working. does anyone else do this to try and regulate their mood? i then washed dishes, fixed my broken washing machine, and scrubbed floors until the friend arrived. it’s nice to have a clean house. everyone knows it, so how is it so bloody hard to keep up?
tonight, i went for a walk. i wanted to run, but didn’t intend or expect to get far. i put on a quick one before the eternal worm devours connecticut on repeat. starting slow, feeling the cold. frosty air fogged my glasses. after half a mile, endorphines began to flood my mind. things seemed possible. i could keep running, and, by extension, i could get myself out of this bedrotting cycle. i just kept running, slowly. a mile. keep going. slowly. i usually turn around at 1.5 to make a rough 5k, but i hit 1.75 and wanted to keep on. it was 2 before i decided to turn around. don’t stop. keep going. feel the cold. feel the sweat in your hands, think about the fog that has settled over the town and it’s ugly white lights. i just kept going, trying to push myself to each next landmark. i ended up doing four miles without stopping, something not unheard of, but certainly an achievement for me.
i understand that this might seem stupid and indulgent. but i just want it to be here. i need to mark it down, write it out, prove that i can get better. i can pull myself out of these doldrums. and anyone can. it’s trite and its true. dishes, laundry, and taxes never end, but we do them because we have to. because it’s pleasant to have clean hair and sunlight on your skin. brushed teeth and charged batteries. these responsibilities also help make us feel good. i know this period of inactivity and neglect is not going to be easy to move past, but i will. because i want to feel good. so, even though it seems stupid sometimes, i am going to go on a run tomorrow. i will wash my face and eat some protein. one day at a time, i will get better. my dms are open for anyone struggling or anyone who just wants to talk ❤️‍🔥
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I’ve had periods where I’ve really struggled with this too. Before I give my rec, I want to emphasize that I think we all experience cycles in our behavior where we “make progress” (whatever that means for you!) and then we don’t - and that’s really okay. I would start by figuring out if your body is physically okay. Lethargy/fatigue is a biological response to a lot of different things and it may be the result of unexpected health stuff! So don’t discount a doctor’s visit. But mental health/stress really contributes to this for me, and it is often the biggest thing that breaks my healthy routines. This is where the loop comes in: healthy routines combat stress, but stress breaks up healthy routines. So that first day you start the healthy routine cycle is really important! For me healthy routines start with good sleep hygiene. If you’ve been rotting in bed a lot and your sleep cycle is screwed, re-establishing that may be difficult. I would recommend supplementing your body with physical movement - preferably something rigorous (for your level) but also gives you joy!! No boring gym time - do whatever gives you endorphins. Consistent activity is really key for your body to not fall into a doom loop. And lastly, do the things you need to do to combat your stress. Set yourself up so that you feel you are taking meaningful steps towards progress. Start with the small stuff and don’t discount them!!! Often the small tasks are the ones that break us because they seem innumerable (for me it’s always been folding laundry). But just remember, every small thing you do is progress and that will build your momentum.
I believe in ya! You have the power to change this, slowly but surely.
May 13, 2024
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figuring out the small things i can do that i know will make me feel at least 5% better has been so helpful to build momentum throughout my day.
some of mine:
groggy -> coffee, go outside and walk around, or a mini nap
lethargic/irritable -> taking a shower and deep breaths, opening a window
sad -> get sunlight, stand outside for ten minutes, hug my cat
anxious/unable to focus -> writing a brain dump of everything that’s on mind or cbt journaling
unable to sleep -> reading a book
bored -> create/output something (input(watching/listening to/reading something, scrolling on my phone) vs output(making something, writing my thoughts on something i watched, trying something new))
bloated -> ginger tea, activating pressure points, yoga
uninspired -> revisiting something formative, figuring out the unexplored territories in my taste and going into them, looking through my collection of art books
Oct 19, 2024
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i think that there’s a level to which this is possible physically (calling out sick or skipping class if you’re a student or whatever) but even if that’s not possible emotionally checking out + going through the motions and making space and time for your recovery afterwards is almost always how you beat a bad day
for me if the vibes are atrocious beyond reason i’ll call out of work, clean my apartment, then go for a walk, go to the jewish deli and get an egg + pastrami hash on a kaiser roll and a coffee, then go home and either watch tv, play video games, and if i’m feeling up to it later do some kind of writing or reading or other enrichment activity (and sometimes enrichment just isn’t on the table at that’s cool too)
whatever your comfort rituals / little treats are, pull out all the stops and really just stop for a second, take a breath, and let yourself just be, and it’s guaranteed to make getting through it easier by making the day less hard, or giving yourself something to look forward to afterwards
Apr 4, 2024
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don’t know if everyone has heard of this and it’s very old news and i should be ashamed. but i found it about ten years ago, and it still my heart. it’s just an anthology of niche emotional experiences from this artist who grew up in switzerland. he collected his made-up terms into a dictionary and published it. it sparked the deepest sense of fancifulness in my preteen heart. i’ve carried certain terms with me to this day, and often return to peruse the words i love so much. one of my proudest moments was, after sharing it with a friend, sending him some of my own inspired by it. he thought they were real words and definitions from it, and i was Very pleased. it’s just fun and cool and neat. be careful to not be in a very longing mood when you go through it.
Sep 29, 2024
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it’s weird, but my mom has told me about this senior bingo night that she’s started going to. she looks forward to it and tells me how fun it is to hang out with them. i feel like joining a chess club or knitting circle or fucking bridge group would have been so fun as a younger person. it doesn’t really matter the age of the people as long as you’re embraced and cherished in some way. is there any forum for you to look for local clubs? also the gym. also volunteering???? it’s actually the best kept secret that folks who volunteer are compulsorily interesting. but western society is so individualist, i understand entirely that it can feel like beside school, there’s no place for you in the world. i truly hope you find somewhere that people appreciate your presence.
Sep 28, 2024
i love knowing about people’s lore and still allowing them the catharsis of revealing things about themselves to me. it’s like i’m putting together a sweet mosaic they can’t see. i also love people and their opinions and whims and flights of fancy. we’re all so delicate and full of stupid thoughts we think on the toilet and in traffic. let me sift through the things you like and hear the music that got you through a breakup. it’s friendship
Sep 28, 2024