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Are we all collectively counting baby years? Anyways, I hear my dad trying to kill a mouse in the kitchen, and i'm thinking of all the times anything romantically could've happened with anyone in my life.
I think we're both going to be up all night trying desperately to grasp something.
Oct 2, 2024
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i honestly haven’t really put real hard thoughts to this but the other night at the porter robinson show, he had this transition where the screen asked questions such as “do you remember what your baby teeth felt like” and “when was the last time you hugged your mom,” and i stood there realizing i don’t really experience nostalgia in that sense, and i don’t really process the passing of time in that sense, but it did make me realize i‘m way, way older now
besides the obvious things such as noticing your parents getting older, i think this year i finally felt it for real. whether it‘s younger friends pointing out that i‘m 25 and their tone just sounded like they’re scared of that number (haha), or me catching up with my older friends and they are telling me about their plans and wishes about turning 30
it’s the act of having to be responsible for yourself, really really having to do that this time, and having to plan ahead despite i’ve always just lived life as it stands—and how much i’m struggling to do it. how frustrating it is to face the problems i’ve been running away from and still having no idea how to fix them, but just knowing that i’ll have to, that really feels like growing up
anyway this is too long✌🏼
Sep 13, 2024
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not sure about those a couple years older but id say most my age/younger never thought we’d even make it to our 20’s - i think its assumed the world will implode before we can reach 30. recently realized my siblings have passed 30 but I still see it as unattainable.
i dont really see any meaning in stuff like years/ages but i think the value of those years lived gauges on being able to ignite your environment. nothings different nothing changes but sometimes you watch leaves on branches breathe or follow a crack in the sidewalk with your eyes, keeping curiosity and openness in the forefront of your mind when you can. allowing yourself to experience all the emotions that come along with living, especially suffering cause thats kinda the whole point of being alive
Jan 7, 2025
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Since the first time I watched Billy Wilder's 1959 film Some Like It Hot, Marilyn Monroe's first line, a breathy, black& white whisper, haunted me:
"I'm 25 years old, that's a quarter of a century. Really makes a girl think."
At twelve, I believed that by 25 I would look like Marilyn Monroe and also be on the cusp of getting married like her character, Sugar. At twelve, I believed 25 meant you were an adult, doing exciting adult things
like having money to spend on wants (not just needs),
and looking at buying a home,
and working in a high power firm,
and getting accolades for how incredible I was,
and getting ready for the rest of my life.
But I turned 25 yesterday and none of that came true. What a scam.
A quarter of a century really does make a girl think. I don't want the life I imagined at twelve, but something is still missing from my life right now. I just moved to a new city, dyed my hair red and -here's the best part- applied for unemployment on my birthday!! Who knew that wifi-bills were so expensive and that I probably won't buy Cabot Cheese again untl I'm in my 30's (Seriously, I'm concerned why store-brand cheese is so much cheaper...are we even eating dairy?) I'm feeling untethered and foggy on what comes next, and if there's anything I do still want from my pre-teen fantasy life it's direction. Purpose. Sense of self. Confidence. To be getting ready for the rest of my life. Where do I find that now??
But all is not lost. After all there's 364 more days of being 25 and it feels- more than past birthdays- like this really is a fresh new chapter. A complete blank page. I just moved to a new big city! I just dyed my hair! I'm unemployed! Seems as good time as any to start a perfectly imperfect record. Stay tuned.
What about you? What did turning 25 mean to you? Anyone have a leash to help me pull myself back in?
Jan 8, 2025
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Sep 30, 2024
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church street, montclair, new jersey, cocteau twins, evading lightrail fare, white wine, whining about The Good Saturday.
Oct 5, 2024
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I'm sure its all due to my poor diet & sleep, and my body is really starting to feel it. Hopefully once I sleep tonight, i'll wake up brand new and relieved to see that "it was all Monday's fault". I wouldn't be surprised, monday's are usually the worst for me, I can always feel it.
Recently I agreed to sleep over at a friends of mine, I like her, and while I wasn't consciously expecting anything but a fun night, I did hope me and her would spark and burn passionately for a night, I really need that touch, embrace, sweat, kiss. It didn't happen, and that's okay, but for some reason, i'm tired of spending these nights alone. I was really glad to have felt and smelt someones breath as they sleep away. I hope i'm not a weirdo, but I LOVE seeing someones face as they dream, & her cute tattoos sitting peacefully on her arms and thighs put me at ease.
Not enough ease to calm the anxiety bubbling in my stomach, bouncing in my brain, and burning my watery eyes. I didn't sleep at all that night, and I woke up to her telling me she's gotta get ready for a date.
Oct 1, 2024