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For whatever reasons the various psychiatrists that have treated me will give, I was a reclusive child, especially when it came to my emotions. I kept parts of myself hidden from certain people, always a different kid to everyone I met. I kept this up through my adulthood and now I'm realizing how much it's barring me from experiencing my relationships deeply. I protect parts of myself, uncomfortable with their coming out in situations I'd typically hide them in. I am too good at code switching and it gets confusing figuring out when I am being truly myself around friends and family. I am trying to learn where I can crack little holes into the walls I have carved around the many parts of myself; learn to make them all coexist a bit better so I can let myself be loved wholly, not only in parts.
Oct 16, 2024
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Sometimes a thought pops up in my brain:
Am I bipolar, or just a girl who doesn’t know how to deal with her feelings?
One moment I am having the best time ever and just like that my mind fills up with my deepest and worst memories/thoughts. I guess something just triggers a part of my brain that has those memories but its just weird.
Its like a panic attack but just affecting my mood. And I am a person who can’t really hide how they are from the outside so I just ruin everything for everyone;(
It is just so draining to always be on the edge of happiness. Whenever I am happy I feel like I am just waiting for the second I will feel bad. There is just no stability just the constant wait until I’ll feel depressed again.
And don’t worry I just took the first step of getting myself a therapist 🫡 (this was really hard for me idk why)
Aug 31, 2024
damn freud really came for me on this one:
“Deprived of comfort and security from the earliest age onward, you learned that the world was a cynical place where independence and tough-mindedness were needed in order to thrive. Embittered with your parents' failure to provide you with basic love and security in childhood, you developed a facility for 'biting' remarks. One reason that you are so verbally aggressive is that you are frustrated with others, feeling that no one really understands you.”
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Apr 23, 2024
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I am pretty certain that I am with the person I'm going to marry. We've been through so much together and no one in the world has ever known me as intimately as he does. My soul is crystal clear to him. And he loves me.
Most importantly, he is always ready to learn even more about me and to evolve with me and to make space for me in his life, in his habits, and in his behaviour.
I love him so much. I'm so lucky. I hope I find him in all my other lives. I hope we're together until the end of time.
Nov 29, 2024
My baby son makes my life so beautiful. Unbelievable luck that we live in the world where we have befriended cats and that they can trust us and would seem so overjoyed to see us come home. This little guy's in my home and I am in his.
Nov 30, 2024
But I call him poopie, monkey, pukicho, angel bear, or munino.
Feb 14, 2025