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The performance of boyhood

i really also think about how much boys are taught ways to perform masculinity & how it is legitimised through tangible things like building a career etc but with women i find that from a young age our identity, behaviours, & thoughts are always spoken about in relation to other people/things — gender roles within the family, how we’re perceived by men, our friendships with other women, our relationships with material things etc etc — and this shows up in the labels that women are often given too! so and so is someone’s daughter, girlfriend, wife, mother etc etc. i envy the freedom of boyhood so much, the freedom to just be (this is not to discount the toxicity of traditional masculinity, i just think that boys are still afforded more “play” and therefore have more opportunities to develop their sense of self). maybe i am also biased because of how i’ve grown up & whatnot but i never really understood what it meant to quote unquote be a woman or perform femininity. i only saw this modelled within my nurturing friendships with women as i’ve gotten older but when i was younger, in church it was always “ok well don’t do this or that because x y z will happen to men if you do” or within my extended family it was often “are you seeing anyone? when are you having kids”. damn what happened to asking about how i’m doing or what my dreams are!!! long rant sorry !! but that’s my long winded way of saying “i feel you” haha

@addycyl

Jun 28, 2024

2

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I’ve felt this too

thank you for being vulnerable. but yeah, as a cis woman, boyhood always made me wistful in a way that i couldn’t really place. i am a woman and am comfy with that. personally, girlhood and womanhood are an important part of my artistic vision and practice as that experience has its own lessons and experiences that i wouldn’t trade for the world. however, i think the (what seemed to me when i was little) lack of societal pressure from the helicopter of culture for boys was something i was for sure envious of. as i grew up, i realized men and boys have plenty of their own societal pressures to reject or succumb to. i have two younger brothers and the novelty of boyhood sort of wore off for me as i watch them grow up. but there’s still a piece of young me that longs for the potential of earnestness in young male friendships and adventure. i think it would also be cool to walk around at night with headphones on in a lot of places.

@deardoveswings

Jun 28, 2024

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unapologetically a STEREOTYPICAL woman

In cinema, women who take pride in their appearance by investing time in their makeup, hair, and outfits while also indulging in the finer things in life are commonly villainised. Whether it is loving to splurge on materialistic things, such as expensive clothes and jewellery, handbags, or shoes—the portrayed women are usually always the antagonist. Take Highschool musical. Sharpay, a woman who prided herself on her appearance was solely obsessed with status and boys. The Devil Wears Prada. Andy was portrayed to be less inclined with her appearance and therefore the most ’kind-hearted‘ character within her workplace, while the other ladies who were equally diligent at their jobs and who also worked equally long hours and busted their butts were portrayed to be snubbish and rude. As Andy then moved on to change her appearance, she maintained her self respect but lost it from her partner (to me this heavily reinforced the notion that ‘boys don’t like women who spend money on their looks blah blah blah they just want a ‘real‘ woman) due to her changing appearance and her dedication to her job. Legally Blonde. She never did it for herself in the first place, she did it to prove herself to her ex-boyfriend. She ended up becoming an awesome lawyer at the end but I hated that she started off ditsy and they couldn’t even get her character to be somewhat professional for a Harvard Interview tape, really undermining her professionalism. Grease. Dany loved Sandy. AND SHE STILL CHANGED HER WHOLE STYLE FOR HIM AT THE VERY END. In these these movies, it’s also common for the more ’tom-boyish’ women to tear down the more ‘feminine’ women, which in my personal experience unconsciously led me down the same behaviour path while I was in my impressionable teen years. Women so focused on tearing other women down. For the longest time growing up, I detested the colour pink and I hated wearing makeup and dresses. Instead, I skateboarded and played soccer and video games on my DS and PSP (which I loved to do) while I was secretly jealous of my sister’s pink barbie dolls and sparkly dresses. All these movies that I grew up watching, although I didn’t know it then, looked down on the idea of enjoying the feminine things in life—especially to get a boys attention. As an insecure kid, it really messed me up, thinking the only way I could get a boys attention was rejecting the things I secretly liked. What young girls needed was a mix of representation of strong women while not vilifying a lifestyle. It took a lot of self-reflection and development as well as maturity to unlearn the inherent behaviour patterns that I learnt through the media I was consuming. Especially unlearning the phrase a lot of teen girls are familiar with: “girls are too much drama.” No, girls are not too much drama. It is okay to like pink, to like makeup and dresses, to be materialistic and enjoy collecting shoes and bags. The right man/partner for you won’t care what you choose to do with your appearance, but will encourage you to be happy. And most importantly, you will be happy. As a 23 year old Civil Engineer by trade, women are awesome. No matter their style preference or job choice. I like materialistic things, I get my nails done once a month, and my eyebrows done once a fortnight, and I love to shop for clothes and handbags. But I‘d also like to believe this isn’t my soul personality trait, I like to go to the gym, I am a big gamer and I love to read, I’ve been watching anime since I was nine, and playing in the mud on rainy days is still a fun secret hobby of mine. I also would like to believe that I am a good person who is also good at what I do, and that I also possess my own drives and passions, despite my love for pink and Christian Dior.

@jilly

Jan 23, 2025

4

Top Recs from @royallmonarch

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DETACH from the algo, become an active participant in your own curation, form relationships to music, track your patterns

I consume a lot of music regularly, and a huge part of keeping a fresh diet of new listens going is having enough sources of recommendations that aren’t an algorithm that either 1) reinforces your existing listening patterns, keeping you stagnant in your tastes, or 2) platforms whoever paid enough to push their product to the top, serving you something that may not inherently be of inferior quality, but may not align with your tastes, may not be exciting beyond just being a new release, and realigns your current listening habits to be more in line with what the average user on the platform is also listening to — which socially might have benefits but which creates a homogeneity of consumption that can become bland since you’re listening to something really just because it’s the next product on the assembly line to have its public moment and not because anything about the music actually captured your attention. the current landscape of streaming is designed to keep you at an all you can eat buffet where you take what’s served to you, and as a result a lot of us have forgotten how to look at a menu and order. so what does taking a more active role in your own music curation look like? for me, it’s meant not using streaming as a primary listening platform. I mostly use my local Apple Music library on my phone that I curate with the vestigial iTunes Library framework that’s still a part of Apple Music on my laptop. probably going to find an alternative soon since apple seems to be cutting integration progressively. I like this method because it forces me to choose what to sync to the limited storage space I have, forcing me to take inventory of what I actually listen to and what I can offload. the files I get are mostly from Bandcamp or Soulseek depending on whether it’s available for purchase or entirely unavailable online (as is the case for a lot of electronic music that was on vinyl only, which is where soulseek comes in clutch). I also have freedom here to change the ID3 tags to better sort and organize, rate, change track info, and track my own listening data. Bandcamp and other music purchasing platforms are great because 1) it reshapes my relationship to music away from consumerism and back towards curation. I have to pay actual money for this thing now if I want to use it, so i’m forced to consider its value (usually i’ll stream a release first to gauge my interest). 2) having to spend money helps me to course out my meals so to speak, as i’ll buy a few releases i’ve accumulated in my cart over the month and cash out on Bandcamp Friday when 100% of my money is actually getting to the artist (TOMORROW IS BANDCAMP FRIDAY BTW!!!), and between purchases I can actually chew and savor and digest my last orders, they don’t get swept up in the deluge of new releases. my plate is full until i’m done and then I order more. also for the times of the year like now when new music isn’t coming out as regularly I take time to find older music that I would normally overlook while keeping up with new drops. currently very into early 80s/late 70s music with early digital production, kinda stuff that would evolve into synthpop and dance music. so how do you know what to order? for me, I’m getting recs through trusted curation platforms. whether it’s bandcamp daily, y’all lovely folks here on PI.FYI, friends, or most importantly musicians who I follow on socials that share their tastes through posts, stories, playlists on steaming, interviews, etc. I like this last one especially because it’s kind of like a musical game of telephone. if I like an artist and they share their interests and influences it’s like every layer in this process is stretching my palate further from the sound that I was originally interested in and into a new territory that has some shared DNA but would never have been recommended to me by an algo because there’s no shared category or label between them, only the musical influence and interpretation of it made by the artist. as an example, I was a huge Skrillex stan, he signed KOAN Sound to his label, they collab with Asa who collabs with Sorrow, Sorrow takes huge influence from Burial, Burial makes some ambient adjacent stuff and takes huge influence from 90s rave music and drum and bass and 2000s rnb, now i’m listening to Brandy - All in Me, William Basinski, Aphex Twin, none on whom would get recommended by Spotify to me from Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites. LAST thing i’ll say — because in yappin about this i’m realizing how actually passionate about this subject I am: MAKE LISTS! playlists are cool, but they can flatten your music into vague categories of “vibes” and “aesthetics” and encourage picking one-off songs from artists that you never form an active audience relationship with. I make a practice of making my own year end lists of top 25 albums (plus some honorable recs and top individual songs) and keeping them in a notes doc that I regularly update and rearrange over the course of the year. this forces me to consider the actual relationship i’m forming with what i’ve ordered for myself. did I like it in the moment but it didn’t have staying power? is it slowly growing on me? it also encourages taking albums as a whole. maybe I liked one or two tracks a lot but the rest wasn't resonating. that’s ok! maybe I rank it lower but now i’ve actually taken time to consider it, it’s in my library, and maybe (quite a few cases for me) something I ranked like bottom 5 albums becomes a retroactive favorite from that year as my tastes evolve. also 25 albums to take with me from each year is really more than you'd think, i struggle sometimes to even find 25 that I formed a true connection with. I think the biggest thing the itunes era ruined that led into now is the single-ification of music, the ability to separate the hits from the deep cuts. albums are meant to be taken as a whole, and then once you've really sat with the whole you can find what actually stuck. even then I like to keep the whole around because soooo often i’ll write off a track that yeeeears later I come to love. trust the artist, they made it like they did for a reason. aaannyyyywayy TLDR: get recs organically, be more active in deciding your listening patterns, fr*cken pay artists yall, trust the artist embrace the album, really consider what you consume

@royallmonarch

Feb 29, 2024

25

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be the change you want to see

i’m not gonna go into the state of politics in this country, frankly I enjoy that this site has been a politics free space for the most part. with that being said, resigning to despair and the feeling of powerlessness serves only the status quo. inaction is not the solution, nor is waiting for the government to be what you want it to be. politics over: here’s the rec be the change you want to see as much of a cliche as this saying is, i’ve grown to believe in it with my full being as i’ve gotten older. for the things you have control over, for the practical needs that you can meet within your community, for the little things you can do every day to ease someone’s burden or generally be a pleasant interaction in someone’s life: bring to the world what you feel it lacks. where you live there are likely already communities that are arising to support each other and call for change. seek those out if that’s a motivating notion for you. participate as much as you are able and as little as you please, every bit counts. being a visible and tangible example of how the agency we all have can create something better will motivate others to find their voice. a lot of people feel like you, but even a few in action is better than multitudes in despair. community is so key, and the world we live in has created a situation where isolation is the default so that individuals are forced to rely on the market or the state to meet their needs. how much better would it be to have neighbors and friends as a support network, mutually exchanging their time and resources to strengthen the communtiy and invest in relationships that benefit the whole. the moment we all realize that we can do for each other what the world tells us we need to do ourselves, the stronger we will be and the more we can come together and enact real change from the bottom up, rather than being divided in pleading for a top down approach. this may sound revolutionary because we have become so detached from community that we cannot envision the changes in our model of living that would have to be made, but it’s sooo not that deep, and it feels more like investing in the good in others than sacrificing personal comforts. it can look like: - shopping at a local business vs a corporate chain, get to know the staff, get to know your fellow patrons - spending time with friends, there doesn't need to be a reason or occasion. make meals together, drive together to go do something, maybe literally just be in each others presence as you do daily life, share each others sacred presence amidst the mundane - give things you don’t need to a friend who does, exchange clothes, exchange favors, share knowledge and resources, lend a skill or a craft, donate things if you don’t know someone who can use it, exchange things and experiences without the need for monetary incentive - create things together, make art together, share and exchange media, try things for the joy of experiencing them without the need to be “good” at it, - grieve together, worry together, talk out negative feelings, commiserate, support, encourage, motivate, share your accomplishments, celebrate together - get to know your neighbors, why is everyone in isolation while in such proximity? - get off that damn phone if it makes you feel bad, you wont miss out, the world happens outside of it, unlearn FOMO - enjoy nature, go on walks, get outside, sweat and run and jump and see the sky - remind yourself that life is about what happens right now, don’t be concerned with what could be or what was if you are unable to affect it in the present. - go to a concert at a small venue for an artist you’ve never heard of, bring friends, don’t preclude experience for the perceived necessity of entertainment - unlearn grindset, but also unlearn bainrot. don’t fester in your down time. rest can be active, activity can be restorative. your time is precious and you will meet your need for purpose and direction by literally choosing to pursue a “meaningless” hobby in even what little time you may have vs scrolling and taking psychic damage. - learn to enjoy the abundance of freely available joy in this world, we have been tricked to believe that money is the sole provider of a happy life idk i’m just becoming mindful of what brings me life in this world and so much of it is available to me solely by seeking it out instead of idleness in my free time under the guise of “rest.” so much if it comes from seeing the divine in others and creating bonds and relationships and support networks. so much of it comes from enjoying beauty and art, and moderating and savoring that experience vs endless consumption and media gluttony. the world through a screen is bleak, the world in front of your eyes can be beautiful, the system is broken but you and everyone you know has some untapped agency. anyway imma get off my soapbox, go catch a firefly or sit around a campfire with the homies. you’ll be glad you did.

@royallmonarch

Jun 29, 2024

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deleting hinge

not because you met someone or anything but because you take psychic damage every time you doom swipe on there and you probably never liked being on there in the first place and why does everyone seem to have a wack helen keller take and feel the need to put that on their profile like it’s cute?? time to do it the old fashioned way and mix and mingle at the sock hop or however our grandparents did it. after all, you just being around and living life is gonna be a better pitch for why someone should date you than those same 5 photos and your two-truths-and-a-lie prompt.

@royallmonarch

Feb 22, 2024

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