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God, I feel ya. Growing up, I was a total ‘tomboy’ too. I hated pink, hated wearing dresses - anything considered ‘girly’. I loved (and still do!) video games, anime, comic books. All my friends were boys. Looking back, how teenage girls and women were portrayed in the media was a large part of that, but I also think my aversion to ‘feminine’ interests was made worse by the social pressure from my peers and adults. At 12 years old, I remember being told things like “oh no no, you’re a *young woman* now. You can’t like those things anymore.” or “you’re *developing*, it’s time to talk about what clothes you can and can’t wear” – that last one was said to me by my primary school vice principal. It’s confusing, to have misogyny just drip fed to you in as a kid, that you don’t really notice your head has been shoved underwater by the time you’re a teenager - those formative years of self expression and identity influenced by all these expectations and contradictions. Women who like ‘girly’ things are vain, dramatic, ditsy, stupid, and slutty. But at the same time, you’re still expected to conform into an undefined boundary of what it means to be a ‘Woman’. Look feminine, but not too feminine. Put effort into your appearance, but not too much effort. Be friendly, be polite. Girls should like boys, just don’t be too eager. Want people to like you, but don’t, because you’re attention seeking now. Your feelings that aren’t cutesy are inherently dramatic. To say nothing of how that messes with your ideas of sexuality and romantic relationships.
In high school navigating social ostracism fucking sucked, I cringe thinking about how hard I tried to fit in, yet how uncomfortable I always felt. I did all the things I was *supposed* to do: stopped talking about my ‘boy‘ interests, mirrored what the other girls liked—skirts, dresses, makeup, trying to show a little cleavage but not too much. Played sports, but not *those* sports. “Okay, so now am I performing gender well? Yeah? Then why do I still feel Not Good” I’d thrown away the things I’d enjoyed, all I was left sitting with was resentment, and I *still* wasn’t accepted.
I think the hardest part has been mourning the loss of childhood I wasn’t able to explore freely. Grieving the idea of the person you could’ve grown into. I feel like there was this whole part of me, this part of being a kid, and a teenager, that I wasn’t allowed to experiment and experience without judgment. The pressure to conform to into these gendered boxes kept me from enjoying things I actually liked, exploring passions, making genuine connections and relationships with people, or even just *exist* as myself without hangups and guilt. It feels like I missed out on not only the carefree fun of being a girl, but a *child*. And, honestly, that loss still stings sometimes. It’s a complex set of bullshit to continually unravel and unlearn because it’s all still perpetuated everywhere. It honestly makes me so so angry to think about the insane things that were said to me as a literal child, not only by adult men, but adult women too – I could never imagine saying any of the weird shit that I heard to any child ever, like what the fuck dude
But yeah! The difference between overhauling your personality, interests, and appearance to try to uphold to some rigid yet nebulous image of a ‘Woman’ versus exploring who you really are, your interests, what you like and enjoy, being freely able to experiment with different sides of yourself - is mindblowing. Who would thunk it, huh. I still play video games, watch anime, read comics, do and enjoy ‘masculine’ things, and go to the gym - not just for cardio, but weightlifting too! ‘Cause it feels good to feel strong
And I *actually* like wearing makeup, skirts, buying jewellery, dresses, heels when I want to now. Hearing compliments like “you’re so pretty!” or “you look real cute” don’t make me reflexively recoil anymore. They hit differently now, especially from friends and other women. I think because they’re not tied to some idea of who I’m supposed to be or how I’m supposed to look, or what social recognition and rote exchange is to be expected from Performing Gender Good™️ . Like, it’s a lot easier to accept those compliments now, because I’ve been able to recognise and separate external validation from internal. I’ve learned to value all the parts of myself outside of my gender, not just the ones that fit into someone else’s idea of femininity and gender (:
