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Oh yeah, the desire to be loved
I lower my tone, I play it cool, I'll hold on to this real me, this messy apparition of vulnerability and insecurities until I find the one someone who is worth it
But implicitly I understand that this one will not accept the real me unconditionally. I will need to persuade them with something that is not quite me, some general attractive qualities like good looks, pleasant conversation and a worthy mask. Is this deception? To reveal myself later on after I've tricked them into letting me in? All for the selfish desire to be loved and to be at one with the other. And so I play it cool
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I can be nice to myself, sure. I can’t be obsessed with myself, or at least, it’s very affirming to have someone who sees you just as deeply as you see yourself and turn out to be obsessed with the result of the whole of you, including the parts that you can’t perceive on your own.
May 29, 2024
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Sometimes I get caught up chasing ideals of love. Growing up with immigrant parents in the US, I wished my parents showed me love the way my friends' parents did. My parents seemed cold in comparison to the affection I saw my friends receiving. I fell for best friends who did love me but never enough and never in the ways I wanted them to.
Nowadays I have grown to appreciate the ways in which my parents do show me love -- when they ask if I've eaten or when I dye my mom's hair as she peels me oranges. Friendship to me no longer needs to be tied up in such rigid binaries. It's not the label of a relationship I'm after but rather just the intimacy of knowing other people. I try not to focus so much on how I wish to be loved by other people and instead pay attention to all the different ways I am loved. Acting with a mindset of abundance rather than scarcity. And in that way, everything feels enough.
Disclaimer: Establishing boundaries is paramount. Love that is corrosive or manipulative is not love.
Feb 1, 2024
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as someone who struggles to tell if the feelings they feel for others are reciprocated, it would be nice to know for sure i was cared about. making it easier to unashamedly care in return
Feb 9, 2024
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I started loving being alone most of the time, it made me feel bored and empty at first when I started living alone but now I am starting getting used to it and embracing it and realizing it wasn't that bad after all.
one of the best thing that could happen to a person is changing and expanding his perspective.
Jan 21, 2025
Unlucky enough to sleep less than 7 hours
Lucky enough to witness the sunrise, sunset, and even the moon
Jan 18, 2025
Jan 14, 2025