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when did christmas stop being christmas and just become another day? what happened to my joy and my fuzzy feelings? christmas decorations used to make me excited, but now i dread the effort it takes to put up the tree.
why are the colours in my life less vibrant as how i remember them from my childhood?
where did my dreams go, the ones where i used to fly and meet the heroās in my life or when i used to dream up new animals or an entirely new world? now my dreams are just dull and bland.
where did my imagination go? my inventive spark? the mud pies and the tree climbing? when was the last time my dad picked me up and put me to bed?
where did my childhood go, and when did it truly leave me?
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Nostalgia is so powerful. And so painful.
Iāve made Pinterest boards filled with hundreds of memories and toys and things that shaped my childhood. Iāve made playlists that include only songs that make me feel 6 years old again. Iāve watched movies that bring me the same wonder they did as when I watched them as a child.
But nothing will ever truly bring me back there. Itās gone forever. to know that I will never walk the halls of my elementary school building, or try and plant an apple seed in between the slides of the playground, or play tag with my best buddies ever again is something unbearable. life is so short. I miss it all of the time.
Adulthood has its perks as well. I never have to ask to go sleep over at a friends house and get told no. I can eat what i want. I can get a kitten if I feel like it. But I miss the simplicity and happiness of being a child. I miss just existing and being okay with that. i miss how I felt when I was 6, but I have to accept that I must leave that behind.
Maybe reincarnation is real. Maybe I will live through something like this life again?
There is an ache knowing I will never walk the same tiny footsteps as I once did. But alas, Iāll be 19 years from where Iām at now and miss this age just as much as I do then. The ache will take a new shape. And i will continue living on.
Feb 12, 2025
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Not a rec but here to tell you that I also donāt remember my childhood very well. I once had a conversation where I realized *I* was the weird one for not remembering much. I kind of wondered for a long time what was wrong with me. My memory is pretty bad generally to this day :/
Just putting this here so you feel a little less alone in this. My therapist will also try to get me to remember my child self but I feel pretty removed from her. It kind of sucks, but also I feel like i get glimpsesā¦ I recently started using stickers in my journal when Iāve completed a book, and it makes me feel like a child again, but I really love it. Maybe there are glimpses that will come to you, but itās hard to go looking for them
Aug 5, 2024
its call takes me back to when I was outside all the time as a kid. my cousins and I often explored our family's property together, climbing trees, walking across frozen streams, seeing wildlife and flowers, and really just being innocent children. we aren't really close anymore though.
its call takes me back to taking a walk many years ago. there's a photo from it, me walking up a hill, my toddler self with my grandma and dad holding my hand on either side of me. I've seen the original photo too, with my dad as a toddler walking up the same hill with my grandma about 30 years before that. I'm glad I have that photo because, not long after the photo was taken, she was too.
its call takes me back to being at my grandpa's house early in the morning after my mom dropped me off before work in the summer. maybe there were birds in the birdhouses on the porch. and maybe there were nestlings being taken care of by their mother, and we could hear their soft chirping through the screen door. we had to have the door open because there was no air conditioning. well, not was, there was never air conditioning or heat. but I never minded because he always made sure I was cool or warm or whatever the season called for. I'm freezing now though, and he's not here anymore to help me.
its call takes me back to when things were a lot simpler, and I find peace in that feeling.
Feb 22, 2025
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Feb 19, 2025
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tried reading dante alighieriās inferno. key emphasis on tried. i got bored and realised a story written in poem form is not my typa beat.
i tried because it seemed like what all the indie hipsters who are well versed would read, and that i would look cool and nicheābut it just cost me $25.
i prefer crazy detailed paragraphs rather than a line by line story.
anyways
Feb 17, 2025
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saying āiām sickā when youāre sick is boring.
instead, here are some more funky fresh and cool ways to disclose that your immune system has been highjacked (itās time to revive these sayings from the dead!):
āi am indisposedā
āi am taken illā
āi am feeling out of sortsā
āi am suffering from a bilious attackā
āi have been seized by an agueā
āi am afflicted with a malaiseā
āi have taken to my bedā
āthe vapours have overcome meā
āi have a touch of the influenzaā
āthe rheumatism plagues meā
āi am laid low with a feverā
āi am afflicted with a troublesome ailmentā
youāre welcome
Feb 18, 2025