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Iāve had this issue for a while where Iām in this situation where itās either a group setting and or one on one where I can never seem to say the right things.
Iām sure itās very common but itās so frustrating! Like no matter how hard I try everything that leaves my mouth seems to come from a place of trying to draw a reaction instead of a thought. Itās my mouth being evil and talking for me.
I feel it comes out most in settings where there is a new person or someone cool but you canāt address them as you are in a group. Whether that be someone who you donāt know much about but are curious about, or someone you have once had a good conversation with but now are burdened to accomodate smaller conversation bursts and light quips because groups are to share conversations not really divide into multiple?
I dunno maybe itās me being silly, I just get agitated by meaningless joking that never falls into a more hearty conversation. Itās like conversational edging AGGHHH.
Itās like having this totally awesome sandwich in front of you but only being allowed to have one bite every 20 minutes
And itās also like the being perceived of it? Like if someone does break off into a side convo itās always āhmmm what are they talking aboutā.
I always come out of situations like this feeling so lame because I was the funny quip guy for the night and not the damn I learnt so many cool stories off that guy guy.
Canāt a man yearn a yap DAYUM
Feb 20, 2025
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I have a bad habit of redirecting the conversation to myself. And I notice when Iām about to do it and stop but sometimes i just talk away. I suppose itās fine when it adds to the previous topic point but I just hate doing it so often I really am a talker but I need to be more of a listener. This experience is yours and I need to listen and not barge in with my own.
Sep 14, 2024
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It bums me out whenever someone's trying to say something but cuts themselves off or says "nevermind" because they assume that they're wasting time. Think it through, or let it come back to you. 3 years ago, I started saying, "Talk through the thought" with my friend, and I think it's made me more patient, and I've ended up hearing/saying some cool shit (or at least some funny shit) that I would've probably missed out on otherwise.
Feb 23, 2024
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as someone who talks too much i think this is the sweet spot; say nothing and itās unresolved, itās yours to carry alone, say too much and it wonāt necessarily be received the way you want or need it to be, say just enough and it stops being your problem and becomes the worldās problem, youāre free now itās not your business how itās received. but sometimes just enough is not at all, because maybe thereās nothing left to say āš½š
Mar 20, 2024
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I have decided to do a track of the day. Not every day. But days where a specific song makes me go UGHHHH.
And today! It is The Moon by The Microphones
This song always tickles my brain in an existential but calming way. Would 10/10 recommend!!!
Mar 5, 2025
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I know itās a fairly common thing but Iāve recently come so fond of listening to two or three songs before I go to bed. In a way that I kind of just stare at the wall and think of the day and contemplate but I canāt help but feel (I know this sounds dumb) that itās these like end credits to a really lovely movie. Except itās my day?!!
I dunno very dumb. I sometimes try to fall asleep with this music playing in my ears or behind my head tucked beneath the pillow so I can prolong this like climactic emotional expression to capstone the day. It always frustrates me when I eventually do have to sleep, turn the music off, and go off to dream in the quiet ambience of my room. My brain does sometimes keep the music blasting even without my earphones though which is very kind.
Music I feel justifies all these things happening in my life. As if it doesnāt hold value if the songs I listen to arenāt played. Itās like you watch a movie that you just love and sorta sit in awe as the credits roll and the music swells. Thatās how I feel about my day most nights! At least lately that is. Really lovely music squeezing my brain into an appreciative analysing ritual of the day.
Iām just yapping at this point but I can definitely attribute this to always having this deep urge for my life to amount to something worth telling a story about. I watch so many amazing movies and I think it would be such a waste to have the only amazing experiences I witness come from outside my life. Soooooooooo #romanticiseyourownlife I guess??
Just felt the need to express it. I had a good wall watching session just then listening to Broken Social Scenes album āYou Forgot It In Peopleā (too many bangers) and I couldnāt help but speak my mind about it :)
Feb 17, 2025
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Iāve always had this fascination to emotion as a concept. Of course because everyone feels it every day of their life, but more of how encapsulating it can be. I watch films and hear stories and listen to songs and I come to find myself jealous?
Jealous of how pure and raw others experiences are. Why canāt I feel the agony of losing someone, why canāt I feel the devastation of a death, why canāt I lose a friend. It sounds so starkly idiotic because why would anyone want to feel such devastating things, and Iāve asked myself this a lot, part of me thinks itāll draw more stories to tell in my life, but I think the truth of the matter is that to live is to feel. And I really want to live my life for all that it can bring me.
I write all this not to distract myself from the reality that I have in fact felt such great pain in my life. However, I always lust for more. This also feels like such a blatant explanation for my love of movies, I always feel so drawn into my love for film for itās ability to snatch my mind away from my life and place it into anotherās. My favourite films are those that have made me cry, because as painful as it is I just canāt help but love it. My favourite film is common knowledge but Call Me by Your Name draws me into such a chokehold each time I watch it because of the devastation I feel upon every watch. I never rewatch films but with it I canāt help it, because it always and forever will make me catatonic.
Anyways, I am leaving my point, my point is I am currently in a swarm of emotions from my own life and it is everything I have prayed and asked for while also not being it at all. I feel such an irresistible compulsion to break down and cry, and then I do, but I find myself listening to music and reading texts that only encourage and swell the emotional climax of these tears. In moments where I find myself urged to move on for the betterment of my day, all I can help but think about is someone I care so deeply for moving away. However, is it immature to want to move on? Why must I shun myself from these emotions. After all despite how painful it is, I find myself searching for this pain again and again.
Because to yearn is to be in pain, and to be in pain is to feel, and to feel is to live.
Mar 3, 2025