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I've been in a rut since October and I have been too paralysed by guilt and depression to build back up. But I'm getting there.
I'm in therapy to work through things and tackle some behavioural issues. I have a bunch of concerts on the horizon that I bought tickets to when I was Really Deep In It and just needed to fill my calendar with things to look forward to, and I'm starting to feel the excitement for them. Ive been resetting my wardrobe with some thrifted/second hand shopping and i'm going to a big vintage fair in The Big City near my birthday.
The cats I live with are starting to trust me and I'm starting to be a better roommate, both in terms of being sociable and contributing to chores and such.
I still have a long way to go, but considering that not even three weeks ago I could barely get out of bed, this is an improvement. I'm working towards the goals I have set to better myself, and I'm doing what I can to keep myself going while I work towards being capable of doing more good. I can't do better if I never Do Anything, so I need to trust myself to do things again 🤷♂️
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THIS IS INCREDIBLE. I really, really relate to what you’re saying. I’ve been on and off unwell for a few years but I feel like I’m finally coming back to life and my world is starting to feel beautiful again. I don’t want to die anymore! You’ve absolutely got this 💌
@ARIANNALEXANDRA I'm really glad to hear that for you! It's ups and downs, and it comes and goes, but it sounds like we're both heading in the right direction <3 you've got this too!
love to hear it! i’m proud of you for allowing all this change into your life! always remember that slow progress is nothing to be afraid of! standing still is :)
@PTVDOM thank you! I've spent enough time wallowing in it, I'm finally ready to start getting better :)
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To be upfront, there are two things about myself that I love:
1. I'm tenacious AF
2. I am generally a positive person. I can handle almost any situtation, and I've had to learn to actually ask/demand more, so it's not always great.
With that being said, I've wanted to die many times. I've experienced a lot of trauma. I have PTSD for years. Things got to a point where I knew if I didn't make really drastic changes I was going to die in some way- I simply could not go on how I was.
The only thing that started to change things is when I started to learn more about myself and my reasons for doing things, being with certain people, getting into certain relationships. Part of my whole issue was that I had major trauma from childhood that I was actively avoiding. So many things happen to us as children, big and small, that we don't have the capacticy to deal with at the time. But as adults, we do.
I remember the moment where things started shifting for me. It unlocked a hunger in me to dig more and more to why I was the way I was, and why I made the choices I did, in a really deep way. I became more action oriented in facing my shit, healing it, and discovering what I was like without it. It definitely wasn't easy, and it wasn't fun most of the time, but in reality the years I spent doing that are small compared to the life I have ahead of me. I'm a whole new person, but the parts of me that are true are the same. I became a more mature, loving, responsible version of myself.
Hating your life is a sign something is not working. If you're unsure what that is, go inward. If you don't know where to start, think about the very next step. That's all you need to do. You're never locked in where you're at now forever. Don't know what you want to do for a career? Switch gears and do a completely different job. There is no timeline. You can literally do whatever you want. When I was doing a lot of the stressful inner work, I worked at animal shelters because I needed something so low stress. And I was mid 20's!!! No career goals in sight!!! Not even anywhere in my brain!!! If you're straight up hating something that is taking up most of your time... just quit it. Life is too short.
Success to me is ease and grace. I want a peaceful, joyful life (most of the time). Sometimes to figure out what you need to do, you gotta take a giant step back. Or a step to the left. Or take a big roundabout. Or maybe a quest needs to be taken...
Dec 4, 2024
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feels very trite and toxic positivity-y but (at least for me) i think the problem is feeling pulled in too many different directions with not enough capacity / agency to make meaningful progress in any / all of them; that’s when acedia, anhedonia, et al set in
the solution is to just pick one thing that’s easy, and constantly address it. then do that with another thing. maybe a bigger thing after that. and so on until you’ve re-built (or in my case, built for the first time) trust in yourself that the things you want to, need to, and are capable of doing you will / are doing
throughput is really important, seeing the fruits of your labor is the only reason to keep planting seeds so you just gotta start with stuff that will gratify you enough to keep going (also for me, getting diagnosed + medicated + effective talk therapy-d were all instrumental to this realization / process if that’s something you can / want to look into)
Mar 21, 2024
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i began to make more intentional decisions, aligned with what I truly wanted for myself, rather than what others expect from me—whether those "others" are real people or more abstract societal expectations that i had internalized. This meant sitting down and listening to what i needed, wanted, and could give to myself. having an idea of what i want my life to look like in a few years really helps—especially if it’s got a mix of realistic and crazy aspects in it i guess
my life is far from perfect, it doesn't have to be. It's all cyclical, i think.
I’ve started treating myself with more compassion, which, like everything else, is a work in progress. I try to do this because guilt can be too defeating. i fuck up all the time, but i try again and again and again. And when everything feels overwhelming, I try—if I can—to step back and view my life from an observer's perspective. Detaching a bit can really help.
Dec 4, 2024
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