and a solar storm raged
the sky to soft pink
in the garden I’d watered that morning.
We’d just agreed it was to be
our last summer here
Together, and we said
“I will remember this forever”
and meant it.
It was the week it felt my dreams began
and I bled through my underwear
on the way to the London show.
Discovered Jo was to die soon,
on the way to Sheffield.
It was 23 degrees in May
and my thighs wore shining
beads of sweat,
while I read that they’re going to drop bombs on Rafah
and cried to the red Robin
roosting in the ivy.
That week I felt so proud
And so ashamed.
So happy
And so sad.
That week i saw my idols live
and die.
Saw my nephew roll for the first time.
Asked my lover to move in,
trembling as I did.
I felt fear rip through my torso
as I rubbed tiger balm into my aching neck
and traced the silver sliver of the moon
with camphor scented fingers.
It was the week it all began
Or ended,
The week I saw Mitski live,
The week my dad fell off his bike,
The week Albini died,
The week I saw the Northern Lights
and cried and cried and cried,
The week before I turned 29.
- I wrote this on Saturday. Last week was the most mental week.
May 13, 2024
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the other day i went out to an unfinished nuclear plant with some old highschool friends. we cut a hole in the fence and ran to one of the massive, truly massive cooling towers. it was terrifyingly big, like really, seriously, huge. it was my third time there and definitely had not lost any of its effect on me. the four of us stood underneath it for a good forty minutes. looking up through the top to see the last touch of sunset resting on the rim, and later planets. we stood there for long stretches of silence until someone would shift their weight and the crunch of a couple pebbles underfoot would echo so loud and clear we could all hear it.
we sang there in the echo beneath the tower until it was totally dark.
later, in the front seat of my best friend‘s car as we played american football i cried. i don’t think anyone noticed, i think they were busy with whatever they were thinking about. i cried because of how long i had gone wanting this feeling. that i hadn’t seen these old friends in months and had been struggling to meet anyone i felt could be the kind of people i wanted to really love like i did my friends from highschool.
i want people to love so badly, to go to a sketchy abandoned nuclear plant and watch the sunset and sing together. we forget how long it takes to make friends like that i guess. it’s only been one semester, and i shouldn‘t let that be me down.
i love you all so much :)
Jan 29, 2025
🕯
This is a little long winded and personal. Please forgive me.
It's been exactly one year since my great aunt passed away - she was a pillar of the family, a very intelligent and witty woman whom we all loved. She used to cut out stories from the newspaper/ magazines and mail them to me while I lived away, and she had the most incredible handwriting I’ve ever seen. She was, to use one of her favorite things to call me, a “real mensch.”
Less than 48 hours after that, I got broken up with. We had been dating for almost two years. It was the healthiest relationship I had ever been in. Yet, we were laying in my teenage bedroom at my parents house, and she was crying. All I remember is thinking to myself “FIGHT for her you DUMB MOTHERFUCKER, you CAN’T lose another woman” - but I didn’t. I was scared. And just like that, the best year of my life came crashing down in spectacular fashion.
Two extremely hard hits at once.
I had to keep moving forward. I didn’t see any alternative. And as a result, I sank into what I can only describe as my own death spiral. Lots of cigs, lots of booze, lots of work, all to drown out the voices in my head telling me “maybe this isn’t a good idea.”
I didn’t allow myself to MOURN then. To feel sad, to feel loss, and to work it out constructively and communally. Now, a year later, I’m finally allowing myself to feel those emotions about both of those things. Finally crawling out of that death spiral. Mourning isn’t weakness, nor is grief.
Just…if you haven’t properly mourned something, anything, I recommend allowing yourself to. Keeping something like that inside, no matter how compartmentalized it may be, is a bad idea.
Mar 8, 2025
Around early December, I looked out at the sunset, and I noticed that the sky was pink. Not just a hint of pink, like there normally is, but the sky was almost unnaturally pink. I've always been a "sunset fanatic," taking pictures of the sky at any and every chance I get, so I thought these pictures would be no different from the rest.
As I was editing these photos, I was reminded of a friend. He passed in late 2021, at just 15 years old. He meant the world to me, and his passing shook me to my core. Every time we talked, he would always share his love for the sky, more specifically, sunsets. Since he lived in AZ, he was always seeing colorful sunsets, and he shared them with me every time he saw one. One night in October, we were talking about the sky, and I had told him that I had never seen a pink sky like that here in IL, and that I wish I lived closer to him, so we could experience the beautiful sunsets together. He agreed, but we both knew that moving was unlikely, so he sent me a picture of the sunset, and he told me, "whenever you see a pink sky, think of me, okay?" He had never been super fond of the color pink, but he said that he loved seeing it in the sky.
About a month after this conversation, I found out that my friend took his own life. I was devastated. I refused to believe it. I would call him, hoping to relive one of our conversations again, knowing that he wouldn't pick up. I sent him pictures of the sky, knowing he'd never see them. I did everything in my power to pretend he was still here, knowing he wasn't coming back.
Fast forward 3 years, to this exact moment. I had been thinking about my friend earlier that week, and being reminded of him in super subtle ways. I wondered if there was going to be one of those "if you're here, give me a sign" type of moments. Lo and behold, I looked outside to see my first ever pink sunset. He must've known that I was thinking of him, and decided to show me that he was thinking about me too.
Jun 30, 2025
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