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Maybe perhaps i have been weaponizing my rest too much… like yes rest is important but i feel like it has made me lazy and resistant to change…….
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I have to be doing something with my hands or have an activity planned for myself outside of work, I am rarely just chilling by myself with my own thoughts (I call friends and family so much which is a strength but sometimes it’s just to talk and exhaust myself)
Trying to be better at savoring moments and not rushing through things but it’s physically uncomfortable for me to just do nothing sometimes
Jul 18, 2024
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i have been home from uni for a while over christmas break. i think about this often but i genuinely believe that uni has allowed me to grow so much as a person, to find the parts of myself that i really needed, and to understand the importance of connecting with others. and it is lovely to go home and be able to see my familiar environments in a new light based on things i have experienced at uni. but it does hurt me how easy it still is, despite all this, for me to fall back into my old habits when i am at home; being unproductive, doom scrolling, the way i can actively feel myself wasting time. i am aware that these are things that negatively impact my mood, and yet i still find myself caught up in them. i wish i understood why i do this. maybe it is the fact that i was working so hard at uni and i have simply crashed here. i have come to understand the concept of taking a real break fairly recently. but i feel as though a break should be healing. and i just wish i could read, or post on here, do things that i know will inspire me as default, instead of reverting to actions that make me feel worse. i believe i can get to that point, every day is a new day and a new chance to live it the way i want to. i am doing my best. maybe my mind is at conflict with itself; it needs a break, but also needs to feel productive, so it does neither. i am working on finding the balance. everything is a work in progress.
Dec 28, 2024
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Had a moment last night where I was stacking menus at work and staring out the window and kind of asked myself, “do I really need to stay here?”. Idk, money is important, but I think I’d rather work somewhere that lets my personality shine rather than makes me feel unappreciated and devalued. Makes me feel kinda bad that I decided this is normal instead of sticking up for myself. ~~~not sure what to do ~~~~ :/
Mar 23, 2024
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I’m on an instagram break plus I like you guys more so please enjoy this painting I am proud of. Referencing Bosch‘s garden of earthly delights, specifically the third “Hell” panel ❤️🔥 acrylic and gouache on raw canvas!
Feb 5, 2025
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Like I am sometimes haunted by thoughts and thinking too much can be low key scary
Jan 30, 2025
