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looking back, this year felt like i lived multiple lifetimes. It’s december now,
— i feel cold; i realised i forgot how i was as a kid, i feel more closer to ‘what has been’ than ‘what could be’. i thought more about god than i would have preferred and i kept mistaking euphoria for contentment. I also learnt that real grief starts when you thought that you were done with it, figured out the exact measurements for a perfect black coffee and accepted that i like people more than i admit. it’s december now and the only thing in my mind is that i hope everyone is keeping warm.
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I’m quite the sentimental kid so I am constantly in my head about time passing. I’ve found though that the practice of looking back (I read my old journals, for instance) and really being in awe sometimes of just how far I’ve come helps. In a similar but opposite vein, looking forward (making set goals and taking the time to imagine the person you’ll become) is great too. If you’ve forgotten memories you once assumed would stay with you forever, consider that the space in your memory/mind had to open up for something even better that’s coming along. Take the time to wonder what those better memories could be. There’s something equally terrifying and incredibly liberating about time. You wanna go back about as bad as you wanna skip ahead, that’s the game.
Coping with it looks different for everyone, though. These are just my two cents and what’s been helping me at this moment in my life.
Oct 3, 2024
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“I love your New Year email and to be included in some of your young adult life - such a period of awareness of the world around you. Where you fit and the way the world wraps around you. Everything is so fresh.
I was touched by your feeling that you don’t know where home is any more. Is home about the people we love more than bricks and mortar as we move through the world? I think you and I are very alike. We treasure places as our anchors…What are the words to describe the feeling of a memory? The murmur of indistinct voices around a dinner table; the warmth of a family gathered around a fire; the feeling in your heart when things are good; a sudden flash of something from long ago revived by a smell or a sound. Although I think I have a good memory for the actual places themselves, the warmth and love I feel for them is really the people whom I remember there.”
Jan 28, 2024
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To start—> I don’t want this to come off as trauma dumpy, I am v happy with the person Ive grown into. Who I wouldn’t be if I didn’t have these experiences:)
I’ve moved around so so so much especially as a kid. I used to feel v guilty bc there were a lot of friends I left behind bc of circumstances beyond my control. This pattern became a trend that continued throughout my life. Went to 4 high schools; was going thru a lot, and was referred to as a ghost.
Having someone you didn’t even realize knew who u were say “omg! It’s been a year! We thought you’d died, wow, how are you? Yk a lot of people tried to reach out…etc” completely changed my perspective on the world. I didn’t even realize the possibility I was really noticed outside of my immediate friend group.
Another case happened this year at university. I was chatting w someone from a class, their friends walk up to say hi, and one says “your name is Sophia right?” I said yes and assumed I’d just met her while drunk at a show. So I apologized, and asked her name/ where she was from and all that jazz. It got more awkward when she said we went to the same school growing up, same class and everything. I didn’t recognize her at all, but obviously she knew me, it was so bizarre. Continued to see her around campus nearly every day for the rest of the year Lolz.
It didnt all actualize for me until recently, and still makes my head spin. I can’t imagine how many people I unintentionally became a ghost to :// being perceived is crazyyyy
May 24, 2024
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Dec 24, 2024
living in a city and then coming back home to your small town will make u feel like a day has 50 hours in it but at least you’re cozied up!
Dec 24, 2024