i’ve spent most of my life searching for romantic love and thinking something was wrong with me because i never got it. i prayed even though i’m not religious, i had a box filled with manifestations of the “perfect” guy under my pillow, i tried to go after guys i knew were meh because i thought u could make the love blossom, i did honey jar spells, i changed the way i looked, the way i spoke, my interests, i did EVERYTHING. this all resulted in a slew of horrendous situationships that tore down my self-esteem. after these, i definitely worked on myself and became much more confident and sure of myself, but still thought that a relationship would be the thing to make me truly happy. at 20, i had my first real boyfriend and he was “perfect”, or at least everything i thought i had ever wanted. he was attractive, tried to pay for everything, planned the most thoughtful dates, went out of his way to see me, was incredibly intelligent, kind, loyal, hardworking, took care of me when i was sick, and even respected the fact that i’m entirely celibate (like what 20 y/o guy is ok w that??). i ended up breaking up with him after a few months because i realized that a relationship was not what i actually wanted or needed, it was just what i thought about 24/7. not saying this is you, but the steps i took after our breakup might help with your situation. diversify and expand your sources of happiness/love as no one source will make you feel truly fulfilled. i started by doing 4 things: something that expanded my mind, something that earned me money, something that fulfilled me creatively, and something that fed me spiritually. for me this was college classes, a job at a restaurant, painting, hanging out with the people that i love more often, and joining a bunch of clubs at my school. i think our society places so much emphasis on romantic love, but other types, especially the love i receive from my friends has been the most unconditional and satiating. lastly, (again not saying this is you, it’s just a common reality) expecting one person to satisfy all of your need for love is not only dangerous for you (if they leave, you’ll be crushed) but also unfair to them. maybe i‘m just yapping to yap, but i hope this was helpful.
Jan 1, 2025
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i just read (no joke just closed the tab) an article on how to reshape our view on romantic love. its called "how to think differently about love" by arina pismenny on psyche. it talked about how our society views relationships as hyper individualized and exclusive, implying that once u find "the one" that love should remain constant and unchaged. obv this doesnt realistically work since humans grow and change over time, and as u said, one person cannot make us feel whole. its a good read! u might find it forth ur time.
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This time 4 years ago, I was reeling from the most embarrassingly heinous situationship that’s ever befallen anyone I know (lol this guy is perhaps a story for another time). Now I’m 2 years into living with the love of my life, thinking that I was too broken to ever get close to a human being again
Some of the (many) things that worked for me:
- Taking an extended period away from dating, far longer than I had thought. In a fucked up way, I think Covid saved my life since I functionally had no way to get back out there for 6+ months (I’m not counting those weird FaceTime dates). Even if you think you’re ready, it’s possible you could still benefit from time outside the cesspool just working on yourself and investing in friendships/hobbies/your career/learning new stuff/whatever.
- On a related note, therapy was very needed!
- Start a new, group hobby where you’ll see the same people each week. Not that you’ll forcibly end up dating someone you meet there, but an expanded circle often brings good into your life and it’s exciting to have something new in your life that isn’t tied to success on a dating app.
- Not to be that person since I always hated when people said this to me when I was single, but it always happens when you least expect it. All of the above contributes to a new you who isn’t yearning for it above all else. People are drawn to others who seem to be thriving without them and I promise you you’ll attract much higher quality people when you project this attitude (my own prospects were night and day since I was content in my own life and saw someone as additive not just looking for love/acceptance/contact from whoever could provide it).
Those are the things that came to me initially, but will keep noodling. Rooting for you ❤️
Apr 1, 2024
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I don't want to be negative, honestly, but it's really hard to find someone who is willing to show their feelings for you. Today's dating feels like a competition: whoever shows feelings first loses, and everything falls apart.
I was in a relationship recently, and as a person who's not afraid to show emotions, I ended up spooking this guy away by showing him how much I truly cared about him. That experience not only taught me that dating apps and networking for relationships suck, but it also showed me that there’s something I need to change within myself. There’s something lacking that’s not attracting the "ideal person."
So, my advice is to first check in with yourself and ask, "Am I the person I would like to date?" Once you let that sink in, you can focus better on the type of person you would like or someone who fits within your possibilities.
It’s all about being real with yourself. If you cannot “afford” your ideal person emotionally, mentally, or otherwise, take some time off to work on yourself. I understand how the heart YEAAAARRRNS for a little smooch now and then—especially one filled with love. But we can't expect to find happiness in a relationship if we aren't the kind of person we would want to date.
I hope everyone who reads this finds their "ideal" person by February 14th. <3
Jan 27, 2025
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had times where me and the other person weren’t really in each other’s lives before dating so there wasn’t an existing shared community or anything to keep us in proximity to each other. kinda just follow those folks lightly on socials now but don’t really keep in touch. net zero not the worst.
had one time where the romantic relationship really didn’t work out, just lack of compatibility and not being what the other person needed, but the emotional connection and proximity/availability kept us both coming back to each other to maintain the relationship platonically. kind of resulted in a messy situation where boundaries were unclear and that just lead to more hurt and confusion than had we dealt with being apart and feeling alone in the moment and then come back together as friends after letting time pass. ultimately ended up cutting that person out of my life entirely after moving away and realizing in retrospect that I had allowed this person to violate a lot of my personal boundaries for the sake of feeling like I had someone I could confide in, and that they were taking advantage of me being a pushover to feel wanted/not alone.
all this to say, ask yourself: what is it that this person brings to your life outside of what comes exclusively from the romantic aspect of the relationship? if this person was simply available to you to spend time together, seek company from existing friends, or find a new community to be a part of. if this person was a close confidant and understood you in a way you felt seen by, maybe practice more vulnerability with your current friends/family/whoever and ask yourself what it is that makes you feel seen/appreciated in those relationships? seek that out! in the immediate aftermath of a breakup, it’s going to seem like there is no one else that can take the space that person is leaving. but that doesn’t have to be the case, and investing in the non-romantic relationships you already have can address the valid needs that you have and strengthen your existing connections. romantic love is important, but other forms of love are just as fulfilling and crucial to your thriving! maybe with time you will come to notice that this person had something you value nonromantically and hopefully y’all can find a new place for each other in your lives, and that can be very rewarding! or maybe you will realize this person met certain unaddressed needs in the moment that you can find in other relationships. don’t feel the need to keep em around if that’s the case.
Mar 12, 2024
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It just makes the dopamine not as easy to access. For example, swiping between posts takes forever compared to insta or tiktok, if i go out of the app for a minute, the post i was looking at will be gone so i have to dig to find it again, and i can’t seem to select and delete multiple words so i have to delete entire sentences individually which makes me more mindful about what i’m typing. idk i just feel that this app is making me rediscover that good things are inconvenient some times and that that’s rewarding.
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Just saying yes to everything and going for it under the guide that this is my one year experiment with no repercussions to see how my life will change when I actually do the things I want to.
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Dec 30, 2024